After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
