I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
