My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
