Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
