Non-Jews are for practice
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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