Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
