so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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