don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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