I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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