Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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