its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
