There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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