If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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