"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
