First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
