Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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