I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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