I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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