it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
