fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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