READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
