Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
