just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
