is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
