im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
