dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
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Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
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the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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