I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
