you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
