i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
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do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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