you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
