I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
