I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
