the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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