First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
