You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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