I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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