Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm at about main and main street
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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