Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
