i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
