I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
