I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
