He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
