census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
