There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
