JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
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no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
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Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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