I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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