I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
