Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
it hurts more in the daytime
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
