At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
sex in a hospital.. check
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
