Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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