I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
