I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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