Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
