How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
