I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
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His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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