Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
