I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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