why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I forgot wine drunk hurts
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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