i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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