Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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