how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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